And I'll show you what I can be
by fixusi
Summary: "It's Sam's birthday today. I almost sent him a card and a little packet, but then I remembered he doesn't want to see me. Because he hasn't contacted, not once after he left. Nothing just feels like the same when Sam isn't here." Sam finds Dean's diary. Oneshot. My first attempt to write anything like this so reviews are love!(:


**Sam reads Dean's journal. Set on season seven. **

**Thanks to SamWin98 for pre-reading and correcting my mistakes :D**

**Title: And I'll show you what I can be  
Rated: T just in case.  
Pairings: None  
Warnings: Nope**

Dean shuts the motel room door behind him. I sigh and sit on the bed, trying to ignore yelling Lucifer.  
"Come on, Sam, your brother is gone, speak to meee", Lucifer whines and steps in front of me. I lower my gaze to look at my hands. I don't want to see him. I already feel like crap, I don't want Lucifer to make me feel worse.

"You know what I miss, Sammy?" Lucifer starts and grins. "Our shared moments. When you were strapped to that chair and screaming.."

He hits his hand to the wall and I jump.

"God, I miss that!"

That's it. I get up glaring at Lucifer. "Leave me alone", I hiss to him. He looks offended, but I don't care. I open Dean's duffel, hoping to find some alcohol, when I touch something solid.

"Sam, you're hurting me", Lucifer says and appears next to me. "That's right, sneak out every little thing you know about Dean. Start with looking through his duffel ! Well, I know something. I know he wants to leave, escape from you. He just haven't left yet."

I ignore him, I know he is lying. Because I know Dean isn't leaving me when I have devil messing with my head. I might be a mess, I might be a freak, but I am still his little brother.

I take out the thing I accidentally hit. It's a little notebook, colored blue and black. It has no lock, so carefully I open it. First note is from 2004, and I start to read.

_**5/2/2004**_

_It's Sam's birthday today. I almost sent him a card and a little packet, but then I remembered he doesn't want to see me. Well, I don't know, but I think so. Because he hasn't contacted, not once after he left. I bought this diary because someone said writing helps. I really don't think this will help, but I'm going to give it a try. Dad says I'm suicidal. Nothing just feels like the same when Sam isn't here._

_-Dean_

I startle a little bit. I didn't want to see Dean? I was dying without him. I missed him every second, I wanted to call him, but I thought _he _was mad at me for leaving him.

I skip the next few pages, trying to find the date he came to get me from Stanford. After a few moments I find what I am looking for.

Lucifer is standing behind me, reading over my shoulder. I sit on the bed as I continue reading.

_**12/1/2005**_

_I went so see Sam yesterday. He is sleeping here, in the same room with me. Gosh, how long has it been? I don't know. Nearly two years, I guess. However, it's too long. It's so familiar to share a room with him again, to hear his steady breathing... You wouldn't believe how much it took from me to get to him. I don't show it to him, he'd laugh, but I really missed him. I still do. He has a girlfriend, full ride to the law school and a job interview. I'm kinda jeleous. _

_Dad's missing. I'm not too concerned yet, because he is the best hunter I've ever met. But I still want to know if he's alright. I hope he is._

_Sam is alright. And for that I'm grateful. Maybe we can learn to be brothers again._

_-Dean_

_**12/3/2005**_

_It was woman in white. Sam and I were a hell of a team. Jessica, his girlfriend, died. Sam is a mess. He decided to join me and leave his college, his job interview, his friends, his normal apple-pie life. I'm happy he came with me, as I told earlier, I missed the kid. I missed how he complains about everything, even though I usually yelled at him about it. But like I said, he is a mess. He stayed up the whole night, locked himself to the bathroom and cried. I sat behind the door and tried to tell him it's okay. I hope he believes me._

_Nothing new about dad. We found his journal, and it is really useful. We found new coordinates, too. Maybe I'll check them out later today. _

_-Dean_

I remember that night. I cried my eyes out, I swear I haven't cried like that never before it and never after it.

Eh, well.. once. After Madison, when I had to shoot her.

I skip the next few pages, too. I can't even hear Lucifer anymore. I hope Dean wouldn't come soon.

_**2/21/2006**_

_Sam got kidnapped by a couple of humans. He is so going to hear about it._

_But no, seriously. I was worried. He was gone for a day, two at tops (I kinda lost track of time...), but he was okay. Thank God for that._

_-Dean_

I grin as I read the text. Jared, Lee, the old man and the little girl. Tha cage and the sick game. I remember the police officer who probably thought me and Dean were gay. She just somehow looked us like that.

"Little Sammy is remembering, aren't you?" Lucifer says behind him. I shrug.  
"Maybe."

_**6/13/2006**_

_Dad is dead. He is dead. I don't-_

_Okay, pull it together, Dean. I'm trying to find the words to express how I feel, but it's hard. The feelings I have cannot be described. It's like I have this black hole inside me. That demon is still out there. Sam feels guilty. I'm angry all the time. I can't help it, and even though I'm trying to control it, I'm afraid I'm going to explode on Sam. He wouldn't deserve it after all he's gone through. Visions and everything._

_Dad told me something right before he died. "You have to save Sam, and if you can't, you have to kill him". Only thing I can think of are his words. Why?! Does he really think I could kill my own little brother? The one I practically raised? _

_I can't. I just can't._

_-Dean_

_**6/17/2006**_

_I know this is wrong, but it's just too frigging hilarious. Killer clown and Sam. It's just... :D _

_The kid fears clowns like they are going to kill him. That's actually funny, 'cause it would have killed him. Invisible, killing clown. Paradise for him, you know?_

_We fought a little. Sam is trying to be helpful and asks all the time if I'm alright, but enough is enough! I am FINE. I could be better, but I am managing it. So yeah, I am FINE, you can quit asking. _

_-Dean_

I skip a page now and then, but I stop when I see a familiar date.

_**5/2/2007**_

_It's Sam's birthday, and I have no clue where he is. First he was just standing in the restaurant, getting us some food. The next thing I know is that radio isn't working and everyone in the restaurant is dead and Sam is gone. _

_I swear to God, whoever -whatever- took him, is going to die. I know it is a demon (found some sulfur), but it can be controlled by a human. I'm not giving up before I find him._

_-Dean_

_**5/3/2007**_

_Ash is dead. Ellen is dead. Roadhouse burned to the ground. Bobby and I found Ash's remains, and even though we couldn't find Ellen, I'm sure she's dead._

_Sam's still missing, and two of our good friends are dead. Day couldn't be any better. _

_It's still early, but Bobby came to help me. He is the only one I can trust these days, now when Ash and Ellen are gone. There is always Sam, but I'm going to trust him always, he is my little brother, after all. So that doesn't count._

_Bobby is talking with someone, so I'm writing. What if Sam's hurt? He isn't answering his phone. I can't even think about that without feeling this familiar, dark pit inside me. Sam is the only one who can make it disappear. _

_-Dean_

_**5/5/2007**_

_Azazel is dead. But it didn't happen without a price. _

_Some guy stabbed Sam in front of me. He died on my arms. The one I had promised to protect, to take care of. I made a deal. I thought Sam wouldn't find out so soon, but he did. _

_Azazel told that Sam came back different, but I don't believe him. He has to be wrong._

_I can't look at my hands without seeing blood. Sam's blood. Sam accused me for doing the deal, but he doesn't understand. He is all I've got left. If he's gone, I have nothing to life for anymore. But here he is. So time to move on. I have only a year to live, so why waste it arguing and angsting? _

_-Dean_

I take a quick glance at the parking lot. No Impala in sight, so Dean isn't here yet. Plenty of time to read.

"You know that's wrong, right?" Lucifer says and sits next to me. I nod.  
"He won't notice."  
"Sure he won't. Like he didn't notice your addiction to demon blood, your soulless-ness, the-devil-messing-in-your-head-ness or anything else."  
"Shut up already."

_**9/15/2008**_

_I went to the hell and back. Now I'm here, been for a week. _

_Sam is different. I remember how he tried to save me, how he was ready to die for me. But now he is distant and telling lies. He doesn't tell me about the four months I was gone. _

_I was gone for four months. It felt like 40 years in hell. Yeah, I remember every second of it, but no way I'm going to tell Sam. He's been dead too, so I bet he remembers something about hell or heaven, too._

_So yes, there is a heaven. Who would have known? This angel raised me from hell. I don't believe we are ever going to be friends. This, Castiel(?), seems like a dick._

_Everything is so different. Something has changed between me and Sam. He isn't the innocent kid I left behind when I died. Not anymore. And it scares me._

_-Dean_

_**9/23/2008**_

_Seems like the bitch is still alive. Ruby, I mean. I CAN'T BELIEVE SAM IS STILL WITH HER. I told him she is dangerous, that she is a __demon__, for Christ's sake! But no, I'm Sam Winchester, I can do whatever I want! _

_I could hit him. I'm so pissed, I really am. He could go with Ruby and leave me the hell alone. 'Cause guess what he's been doing? Exorcisming demon with his __mind__. MIND! That isn't human. He has to stop it. Because if he won't..._

_he won't be my brother anymore. _

_-Dean_

A cold sensation hits my stomach. I still regret everything, even though it happened years ago. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change it, because it made me open my eyes and realize what's right and important in my life. But I still regret it.

_**11/30/2008**_

_It is halloween. Sam promised me a couple weeks ago that he won't use his powers, and it was right thing from him to do. But today he broke his promise. _

_We were trying to kill Samhain. I went to do something less important, and Sam went after Samhain. When I got to him, the knife was on the ground and Sam was trying to exorcise Samhain with his powers. Looked like it took the juice of him, because once he was done, he nearly collapsed and passed out in the car. _

_I am somehow disappointed. I know he had to do it, but still. I'm pissed because I'm so worried. I know it doesn't make sense, but.. I don't know. Gosh. Fuck this, I'm going to sleep._

_-Dean_

_**4/29/2008**_

_We had a bad fight. I could write a sad poem about it, tell my feelings and sing a sad song. But not going to do it. I'm writing here because this really works. Huh. Never would have guessed._

_Sam won our fight. Mostly because he is my little brother and even though I was so angry at him, I just couldn't hurt him. Not too much. Not too badly. Still, I'm still mad, I am angry and disappointed that he chose RUBY over me. _

_But Bobby helped me to understand that that's life. I do what I think it's the best, and so does Sam. Maybe he thinks that he is better with Ruby than me. _

_Maybe. But I still miss, hate and want to beat him up at the same time. I hope he won't do anything stupid._

_-Dean_

I gasp for air. Dean really thought like that? I thought he was furious and hated me.

"Big brother is very confusing one", Lucifer mutters. "You want me to read to you out loud?"  
"Shut up already", I reply, trying to remain calm even though I just want to smack Lucifer's freaking face in. "Just leave me alone for a moment."  
"Sammy wants to be alone", Lucifer starts. "You know Dean is just outside the door?"

I quickly look up, seeing Impala on the parking lot. With just one, fast movement of arm the notebook is back in its place and the duffel where it was before I touched it.

I jump off of his bed and go to the kitchen. At the same moment the door opens and Dean steps in. He has packets full of food in his hand.

"Hey", I say like I normally do. He looks at me and grins.  
"You look like you're blushing."  
"I'm not blushing", I quickly say, grabbing the food from his hands. I lower them on the table as Dean throws the keys on his bed. He eyes his duffel, and I look away. I hope he won't notice I touched it.

"You alright?" Dean asks and his eyes meet mine. I nod, glancing at Lucifer.  
"Yeah. Lucifer is really starting to piss me off, but I'm managing it."

Dean smirks and laughs a bit.  
"I bet. Just tell me if it worsens, so I know in time to get your ass to the mental hospital."  
"Thanks!" I laugh and try to look offensed, but I know Dean would never do that.

'Cause seems like I have always been his little brother, no matter what happened.


End file.
